My job is pretty boring. Not boring, in the “oh my god snooooooooooooze” kinda way, but in the repetitive, brain on auto-pilot, kinda way. So most nights, I tend to zone out and my mind wanders and when my mind wanders I come up with some really weird shit. Hence, this post.
{Side note: I read some really disheartening stuff for work, so the zone out is part unintentional, part necessity, because if I allowed myself to fully process the crazy that people spew, I would curl up in a fetal position and cry for days}
So, the other night, I started thinking about what I would want to be able to do if I could do anything in the world. Not like a job, but like a natural talent. I think I had watched The Voice earlier that evening, and whenever I watch singing or dancing shows, I spend an inordinate amount of time afterwards imagining how awesome it would be to have that much talent. Or, in my case, ANY talent. I can dance pretty well (for a white girl), but holy mother of god, I should not be allowed to sing. Even Dylan gives me side-eye when I do, and she eats lint from the floor.
Sometimes I think I would LOVE to be able to sing or dance like they do on So You Think You Can Dance or The Voice (not American Idol, because apparently you can only be on that show now if you’re prepubescent). I mean, who wouldn’t want to entertain the world with their beautiful talent? But then I think about ALL THE PEOPLE who can sing and dance, and how very, very few of them actually get to entertain anyone else but their mom and grandparents. And honestly, I don’t want to be able to sing or dance if the world isn’t watching. My family has to love me, I don’t need to impress them.
Then I thought about how cool it would be to be able to draw or paint something other than slightly embellished stick figures. But Jesus, that must take a ridiculous amount of time to practice and hone and what have you. And really, I want a low maintenance talent.
Know what I eventually settled on? After hours of thinking about it? Math. I would love LOVE to be able to do math. Not basic math (I can do THAT. Kind of.). I’m talking long, complicated problems. I want to be able to do that in my head. I don’t know why, since one, I don’t have a job that requires any math skills whatsoever, and two, have a phone that does whatever little math I need. But man, how cool would that be, to just bust that shit out at a party or something? “What’s that? You need to know what 8374648293747 divided by 3858593927264 is right this second? Oh, no worries, let me just BUST OUT MY BRAIN.” I realize that the odds of anyone, ever, anywhere needing to know anything like that are slim to none, but I’m not worried about that. Whatever time wasn’t spent doing math shit in my head would be dedicated to coming up with scenarios in which my incredible super power would come up ORGANICALLY. Plus! Oh my god, it just occurred to me: Dylan could take me to school for Show N Tell! As the thing she’s showing and telling! Can someone say best mother ever?
So, yeah. That’s what I do when I’m bored and zoning out. Well, that’s one thing, anyway. You know what I DON’T do when I’m bored and zoning out? Complicated math problems. How unfortunate. For us all.
