…And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
Because mama was cursing and yelling at all the stupid presents and the stupid wrapping paper and stupid bows and tape and gift tags and wishing Santa WAS real and would get his fat ass down here and save her from the hell she created, and they were hiding. Like a mouse.

(That sounds ridiculous, but I’m leaving it in, as evidence of my brain being completely ruined by the holiday season)

I shall read this before shopping next year, to remind myself of the horror that is gift wrap, and only buy things in perfect boxes. Or gift cards. Or use gift bags. Come to think of it, why the hell didn’t I do that this year?

For the record, all my gifts look like they were wrapped by chimps. And that could very well be an insult to chimps. I’m telling everyone Dylan wrapped their gifts. She looks like a genius, I don’t look like a 6 year old, everybody wins.

Is it over yet?