So, I had originally planned on writing about how I’m no longer the new momma on the block, and was going to include some of the knowledge I’ve managed to hold on to over the last 14 months. Even had notes and EVERYTHING (still organized!). But then today, I had kind of a shitty day. And it got me thinking about something else entirely, and whether or not other moms have felt the same way at some point. So I’m going to write about that instead. Because it’s my blog and I can do what I want.
Today was one of those days. You know the ones: where it starts off with a terrible nights sleep, and then just gets progressively worse for NO APPARENT REASON WHATSOEVER. Nothing bad happened. No one was sick (save for a sore throat that hasn’t decided if it’s staying or going). Had no plans, didn’t need to be anywhere, just a nice, lazy day at home, me and the kid. But she didn’t sleep well. Which means I didn’t sleep well. And then she refused to take a nap. RE-FUSED. All day. Now, if you have a baby or have ever had a baby, you’ll understand me when I say, that nap? Vital to my sanity. I need The Nap Not necessarily so I can nap too, but just that 2 hours of quiet, no baby, no toddler time. That’s mommy time. And I need mommy time sometimes.
But I especially need mommy time when mommy doesn’t feel good. And when mommy hasn’t slept so good. The Nap would have saved my life today. So she decided today, of all days, to say, “Meh. I’m going balls to the wall today, I don’t need no stinkin’ nap”. It was a long day. And in addition to this day testing my patience, and making me cry, and giving me a headache, this day made me feel something else: this day made me feel alone.
I’m a stay at home mom (by choice, 100%, I LOVE what I do). And I have no help. So from the moment Dylan stirs in the morning till the blessed moment she drifts off to sleep at night, it is her and I. Husband works all day, and the only family I have in the area are 2 sisters with kids and lives of their own. My friends are fucking amazing, but again, they have lives of their own, with work or school or babies or what have you. And we certainly did not make the decision for me to quit working to stay home so we could pay someone else to come around once in a while and watch the kid. And normally, this is awesome. 99.99999% of the time, smooth solo sailing. But occasionally, I’ll have a day like this. A day that makes me question what the fuck I’m doing, a day that does it’s damnedest to convince me that I’m no good, that I can’t even get my kid to take a nap, a day that just makes me want to sit in a dark, quiet room so I can just breathe. And when I have a day like this, man, the loneliness? It’s palpable. I can’t pick up the phone and ask my mom or mother-in-law or sister or whatever to come over because I need a MINUTE to unclench. There’s no one to call. At least, no one who would be able to help. And sometimes, that’s all I need. Someone to help. Not often, not a lot. Like I said, 99.99999% of the time, I captain the shit out of this ship, and enjoy every millisecond. But that 0.00001% can be brutal. And really lonely. Everyone should have a 0.00001% lifeline. Everyone needs a little help, even if it is only 0.00001% of the time.
Ok, I’m done now. I’ve vented, I’ve complained, and truth be told, I’ve kind of pissed myself off for feeling like this when I have so much to be thankful for. But I’m still going to publish this. Because I can’t be the only person out there who feels this way sometimes. And maybe someone who reads this can relate, and also needs a 0.00001% lifeline, and we can be that for each other.